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Emotional Garbage Dump [entries|friends|calendar]
Haley Crump

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[05 Dec 2006|09:47am]
No, I'm not selling my non-existent baby for 50 cents.
Now, Mr. Detective, can you please stop calling my house to ruin my life?
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swimming lungs [03 Dec 2006|07:01pm]
I'm drowning myself.
The observation is one of impatience.

When will she rise to the surface?
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As for Sean... [28 Nov 2006|10:19am]
He's in such a fragile state, it's as if I'm taking care of him. My time is being eaten. There's no waste in it, but everytime I look up, I find myself a little farther away from where I want to be.
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she's right. [02 Nov 2006|10:33am]
Even though people have moved away, they still hold control over my life.
I want to destroy any fragment of the web they created.

The solution is obvious,
It's time to cut ties and move on.
I've changed... but you haven't change enough.
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Our hope of love misplaced [27 Oct 2006|07:41pm]
When hearts begin to fail
we plunge into memories
and find paper stars
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There's a great mystery in tears [24 Aug 2006|09:06pm]
I don't know what to do. How can ignoring me for a month not hurt me or put a permanent scar on our relationship?
If she follows through with it, I want nothing to do with her when she’s done. There will be no friend waiting for her.
She’s destroying everything about the friendship we had, it could never be the same after that.
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Walking on wounds. [18 Jul 2006|07:47pm]
She walks to the edge of apprehension. Feeling the need to abandon the tender ache she holds in her chest. But she’s reached the end of her own game without knowing how to discontinue the self-destruction.
Instead of confronting her anxiety, she avoids the anguish. Walking without a purpose; falling onto the wet ground to stare into the infinite sky above her.
Whispering into her ear, “How did it come to this?”

Her white cotton T-shirt clings to her bare back when she crosses the bridge, stepping onto the jutted concrete shelves into isolated river. She covers her ears as if she wants to remove every fragment of sound within her.
She stumbles onto the rusted treadmill lying in the water, the desolate trees surrounding her, the lingering rock walls left to disintegrate in her presence. The charming river only imagined with the baggage only time could give.
She starts for the bridge. Walking without altered intention, her drowsy mentality reaches the replicated suburbia.
She reaches the end without realizing her solution.
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the anxiety takes you by the throat [21 May 2006|12:59pm]
[ mood | gone ]

I've been lazy with entries lately. But events surrounding me are completely overwhelming. So it shouldn't come as a surprise if I experience a mental breakdown in the next week before school ends.
So let's make this easy...

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Marlene will be... [21 May 2006|12:57pm]
I was selfish and stupid to think mostly of the cats when Marlene left. She and I bonded stronger like we do on every visit we have together.
My moments we have could be the last ones we share.
My mom tried to call Marlene late on Monday night, to see if she arrived home safely. There was no answer. She called again multiple times on Tuesday…no answer. On Wednesday my mom started to panic, especially because she was leaving for Chicago on a business trip the following morning. I assured my mother that Marlene’s cell phone was probably dead, or that she was too busy with the animal shelter when she got home.
I was wrong.
On Thursday I found out that Marlene wasn’t “too busy to call” or that “she just forgot,” but that she had been in the Intensive Care Unit in Dallas for the last four days because she was in a car accident. I failed to remember that Marlene never wears seat belts. She hates them.
I called my Mom on Friday night; she had talked to Marlene’s sister and told me the details to what happened.
Marlene crashed into a ditch, most likely reaching over to check on the kittens, and losing control. She was thrown from the vehicle –because she never wears seat belts-. Her skull was fractured, and partially crushed and there’s facial damage. The doctors were able to take her off oxygen on Friday. And there’s a good chance she could have brain damage if she survives.
I’m automatically assuming that the kittens are dead.
My mom could lose her best friend. I could lose my support system. And the world would lose an amazing human being with so much life in one fingernail than anyone I have ever met.
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The Dying Bees [09 Apr 2006|01:25am]
[ mood | insomnia... again ]

Sometimes I feel like standing in the middle of the sidewalk and screaming bloody murder for everyone to hear. In some densely crowed area with all eyes turned to the invisible child who is now a vivid crazy. Letting so much burdened emotion onto the world in one wail of deafening sorrow... would only be a beginning to every end.

But I don't do this for many reasons. One being that no matter how hard I try to sink into myself, I still live in reality, and reality is made up of many people I love and care for. I also care about public image, and would hate to be judged as someone who isn't me. And I can't stand unloading my burdens on complete strangers.

Today I was walking home from KRCC, and I walked past the community development near my house. There was this awful old building/shack/shed-shit on the edge of the development that I thought had been removed years ago. But there it sat, ugly and full of something best described as a ghetto mind fuck. Anyways that's not the point...
Somehow I felt robbed of my own mind, and the only times I actually feel that way are in my dreams.
Believing my mind was hi-jacked by another dream, I tried to look around for anything familiar, and I slowly realized that I had had no actual stimulation with human contact in so long, I had gone numb. Not for very long, maybe a couple hours or so. But I was definitely on a vacation in my own head.

It was on that vacation I decided that within a year I have to complete a large painting(s) of the strangest situation I've ever been in.


I'm tired of having insomnia, and I'm going to do something to make me go to sleep.

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Because you don't have to save face with yourself. [04 Apr 2006|05:07pm]
[ mood | still pretending ]

I'm seeing the world through different eyes now. I'm not sure if this is such a great thing, but it's an interesting one. Today I sat outside after school and watched the clouds for a couple hours. I feel like I'm the only person who doesn't judge myself for being like this. I'm becoming an introverted person, and I don't know how to feel about this.

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To every person I have ever hurt... I love you. [31 Mar 2006|03:58am]
[ mood | I dont know anymore ]

I told Meghan today that I wish I could take back the depression, because that would fix everything that has happened, and is happening now, to every person I have ever hurt.She told me that that was the most ridiculous thing I could ever say.
I’m still left wondering if she was just in saying what she said.

I want to be happy all the time, and it’s hard to motivate myself to function in reality; and not in my head. My head has been the only thing to give me comfort. I just want someone to reach out and tell me that everything’s going to be fine.That more importantly, everyone will be fine.
All I want is my friend back, because when this happens I blame myself.

I realize now that it’s about 4 AM, and that I’ve devoured my time into trying to close the frames that will always miss their door. Maybe it’s the insomnia talking, but I think that sitting here, waiting for dawn to mock me, has let me discover that I need to start opening it all up, before I can begin to close it again.

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being vegetarian makes you subject to ridicule [27 Mar 2006|10:11pm]
[ mood | OMG you guyz like OMG! ]

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

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on another note... [26 Mar 2006|06:50pm]
[ mood | woot ]

I start my DJ training for KRCC on saturday.

exciting!

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Just use hair spray next time [23 Mar 2006|10:11am]
[ mood | my lid has been flipped ]

My brother tried to curl his hair yesterday.
When I talked to him about it he told me, "it didn't work."
"Why didn't it work."
"I wanted to curl my hair like Beth and Lisa used to... you know like the poofy bangs, in a big curl. But it didn't work very well."
"Oh my god."
"... but check it out, I got a sweet flip to my bangs look."

My brother has slightly emo, very indie hair. At least for a middle schooler.
So why would he want to curl his fricken bangs 'mexican ghetto whore' style?


My family is strange ALL THE TIME.

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[05 Mar 2006|06:27pm]
[ mood | numb ]

I almost broke down in the library today. That's all I really do anymore.
I keep my battles tucked away. My friends really aren't able to rescue me from my struggles anymore.
It hurts. I hurt.

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Just don't make a mess okay......... Please? [28 Feb 2006|07:06pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

Now lets just put this hypothetically. Okay.

I have a friend... let's just call her Kiley
Her boyfriend has been gone for 8 days or so, and now he's back in town.
He comes over to my house. (And this is fine by me... what they do later is just well, ewww.)
I act like the good hostess and bring them to my family room in my basement. Offer them a movie. Put on Garden State.
We all relax for a while, get comfortable.
Then they get a little TOO comfortable…
They start "necking" so to say.
OKAY WELL FUCK! THEY'RE JUST GOING AT IT ALL RIGHT?
I start getting a little TOO uncomfortable. So I say what no one will,

"Hey, do you guys, ummmmm…want me to leave or something?"
"Oh NO! You don't have to!"
"Noooo, I will. It's okay. Umm yeah… could you just let me know when you're finished? And just, you know, clean up when you're done… please?"
"Yeah, sure. THANK YOU HALEY!"

I'm smart because I turned up the movie before I left.
I'm NOT smart because I just let two people have sex on my couch.

So basically: Sometimes I'm a dumbass.
Oh, and this entry, yeah it isn't really all too hypothetical. I write blogs as people "break in" my couch.

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Hey can you hear me, because I'm thinking thoughts [16 Feb 2006|07:26pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

These are thoughts...
thoughts in my head and thoughts in my heart.
Everyone needs to know them... because well... they're my thoughts.

So here's to thinking thoughts about thoughts that really make a thought thoughtful.
and really... if you can think thoughts hard enough... you might just think that I use to many thoughtful ellipses on my thought process bulletin.


I just thought it would be thoughtfully amazing to post my thoughts about thoughts on something thoughtful everyone will thoughtfully read and think thoughts about one day.

Here's to thinking thoughts about your thoughts... but mostly my thoughts.
Thoughtful love,
Haley (thinking...)

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The Difference Between the Sprout and the Bean [24 Jan 2006|05:01pm]
[ mood | depressed as fuck ]

I feel like things have completely fallen apart.
It's sad that you realize something only when it's too late. And you try so hard to fix everything that you ruined. I can be as sorry as I want to right now, but that can't undo anything that has already been done. Things will eventually be okay, but until then I have hurt someone I love.
He'll never know how sorry I really am. What I gave him in the last weeks we were together wasn't really love at all. It was a selfish attempt at attention.
I was living in a bubble that kept on getting bigger and bigger, and pushing everyone out of my life. And the problems this caused around me made me retreat farther into my expanding bubble. I lost myself inside my own little world, and knew it at the time, but didn't know how to stop it.
He tried so hard to make me happy, and I threw it back at him by acting this way. I only wish I could take it all back, but I can't.
I thought that talking and appoligizing would fix all the damage I did. That things said would be taken back.
All I can do now is sit with my broken heart outside my bubble.
And deal with the judgement and critisism of others.

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Adam Sidman Fan Club Letter [24 Dec 2005|03:34pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Dear Adam,
This is Haley; you might remember me from such short "independent" films (sadly not directed by you) like:
Girls Gone Wild: Reed Edition,
Guess Who's Coming to Talk to Adam?
And, I Know What You Did Last Weekend.

I just wanted to request your permission to start a fan club dedicated to you.
Weekly we will talk about your numerous achievements, and foods that remind us of you.
We will also make effigies of you in order to complete our souls, and keep the memories of Adam preserved for always and eternity. There are throngs of girls waited to be accepted. We will only pick those who love you in the purest sense, in an effort to preserve the purity of Adam Daniel Sidman.

Please allow us to start our club at Palmer (Chris Hawkinson) has already agreed to be our sponsor).

Love,
Hundreds of panting females, and yours truly.


PS. this press will be great for your image honey. *Wink *wink

PSS. It is a shame and atrocity that you have not made it unto Morp Court, and Gram Anderson has. If you wish we will beat him until he is barely able to function.
Maybe Prom is in your future.

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